That is the first thing that caught my eye today when I got online. I was going to do something about it but I couldn’t decide if I should gouge my eyes out for instantly being drawn to this mindless advertisement or if I should find Megan Fox and catch her legs on fire.
After a heated debate with myself (masturbation), I decided to write this blog.
I’m going to do this like Quentin Tarantino would if he could Read or Write. I’m going to start at the finish, go back to the beginning and then say a bunch of shit that nobody cares about while in the meantime, you may or may not decide to immerse yourself into something more interesting depending on whether or not you decide if you should or shouldn’t give me more of your withering life line which will be solely based on how pissed you are going to be when you finally finish this sentence. I mean, what else are you going to do? Go to break and watch videos of people doing obviously moronic shit that you would never fathom doing? Exactly.
So, now then, on with this. I have decided that fashion is like cancer, luckily it only directly affects insecure men and all women. However, this will ultimately lead to the destruction of the entire planet and all human life as we know it. Wars will break out in shopping malls all over the world and women will wield guns and various other weapons of mass destruction that they bought with the money they made selling jeans to other women that Megan Fox may or may not have worn. The Mayans had it wrong. The planets aligning won’t destroy the world in 2012, it will be single mothers addicted to Xanax and shopping who single-handedly topple the great man-powered governments of the world. It will not be due to intelligent leadership or intricately planned guerrilla warfare. It will be due to the fact that they are all completely insane and can’t conceive the concept of a world where they can’t buy $200 jeans that are tattered and torn with their husband’s maxed out credit card. Now we hit rewind…!yzarc teg ot tuoba si siht ,tihs hO
Now, through hours and minutes of research (about 10 seconds), I have found the root of our impending doom. Much like a root, it has various strands that all began separately and led to one giant problem. Crazy ass bitches.
I will list them in no specific order:
1. The soap channel
2. The Hills
3. Music Television
4. Chicks with small boobs seeing guys get horny over chicks with big boobs. (This can not be blamed on man, for it is man’s nature to like huge gozangas.)
5. Chubby chicks seeing guys get horny over skinny chicks. (This is also a default attraction for men and you just can’t argue with God. Or men, without losing.)
6. Women’s rights activists
7. Fashion Magazines
8. Pop music
9. Famous people with cute miniature animals hanging out of their purses.
10. Paris Hilton
I’m sure you can relate to one of the above items in a manner of disgust and hatred. If you can’t then you should try to enjoy any of them for what they are. It won’t happen and I will tell you why.
1. Nobody in their right mind could enjoy the soap channel. Unless of course, you like drama, horrible acting, worse plots and ugly people who have a heightened sense of pride. In which case, you aren’t in a proper state of mind because…you’re fucking retarded.
2. The Hills could be enjoyable if there weren’t always guys running around half-naked, there was no overly dramatic bullshit happening, you could kill the entire cast without going to prison and the chicks couldn’t talk. Other than that, it’s a reasonable program to fap to.
3. There isn’t any music.
4. Getting horny over huge teddies is totally acceptable. The problem comes from the anorexic psycho standing behind you, heaving and plotting your demise due to the fact that you can enjoy life and she can’t.
5. Same as number five but twice as deadly because the girl can sit on you and cause you to suffocate if you aren’t fit enough to throw her out of a window. This is where bench pressing comes in handy.
6. They’re fucking retarded.
7. They do have free perfume scented pages that you can give to the girl at work that you’ve been thinking about naked (Chicks LOVE that shit. It always works. Free perfume=free handjob). Other than that, they are full of mindless psycho-babble that slowly shapes unsuspecting women into the zombie-like penis receptacles you see taking angle shots all over myspace to try to cover up their actual body shape. Just work with what you’ve got, ladies. If that doesn’t work then go to the gym. If that doesn’t work them become a lesbian. You win, I win, we’re all happy.
8. Michael Jackson is the only exception to this, that is because he is the king of pop and kings are awesome. Other than that, see Britney Spears for proof.
9. That shit is not cool. If you are ugly, you can’t just carry around a cute little puppy to make people talk to you and reap attention for yourself. It just makes you look like Cruella De Vil and she was a total bitch.
10. This chick is known for sex, right? But have you ever seen her porno? It fucking sucked. She is only famous because her dad has money. Basically, she is like satan. She makes girls spend their father’s/husband’s money, makes girls want to be acknowledged as people who are good at sex (whores) and then teaches them how to fail at the sex part first hand. So basically she just teaches you to be a smelly, whorish leech. People don’t like annelids, they catch them on fire, in fact. Don’t be shitty. Don’t be like Paris.
Basically, we are all doomed unless we can destroy all of those things listed and the people that they have affected. Unfortunately, that would mean all men would become gay or practitioners of zoophilia. Neither of which I would prefer. So yeah, we’re fucking screwed. If you’re reading this then you need to go live out all of your life dreams before black Friday 2012. Thanks for your time and enjoy what is left. I’m going to rob a bank and live with monkeys so that I can throw my shit at people I don’t like and have money for antibiotics, a grass hut and roller blades.
4 Comments
November 11, 2009 at 10:42 pm
I’ve seen your myspace. No wonder you’re single. Yea yea, I’m sure you fuck a lot of random bitches. If you think about it though how hard is it to get some random slut to fuck? Not that damn hard. However, it isn’t easy having a good relationship. It takes some work, but I know how hard it is for some guys to respect women. It’s easier when you’re not so full of yourself. Come on’ you’re twenty four and what do you have? A blog where everything you say is bullshit… You’ll be fine though. A lot of people never grow up so you’re not alone. All I can say is good luck, bro.
November 13, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I’m not sure if it is well known but I have a PhD in Awesomeness and I can see by what you just said that you are suffering from a rarely mentioned disease called pussyitis (Poohs-ie-i-tis /Noun). It is a disease that some men get when they are around fake women for too long and it slowly transforms them into a “pussy”. It is curable, however. I recommend a grotesque amount of action(mainly 80’s) and comedy movies to start. After that you can move on to more manly things like eating animal flesh and getting an erection without crying.
Have faith my friend, for it is only temporary if you have the will to move on!
November 19, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Did this Tony guy even read your blog? What an idiot!
November 20, 2009 at 5:28 am
Probably not without weeping to himself.