Ninja Assassin

With a movie sporting the most redundant title I’ve ever heard, I didn’t really expect much from it but of course I had to see it… I mean, it’s got ninjas. Not any old ninjas but ninjas who assassinate people which makes them ninja assassins(Isn’t that what a friggin ninja is anyway?). When I saw the trailer I pretty much decided that it was a sack of shit because the CG looked ridiculous and… well, it just looked gay. For some reason, the closer it got to the release date, the more I yearned for some corny, gory, martial arts action and I must say, I was not disappointed.

For fans of the movie Shoot ‘em Up, you must watch Ninja Assassin. They are both crazy ridiculous action movies. The difference is that this one is full of Asians, swords, throwing stars that apparently when thrown, move at the same velocity as a .50 round of ammunition and did I mention… ninjas? Oh yeah, and about a swimming pool full of blood distributed evenly throughout the entire movie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with this much blood. In one scene, a guys head gets slammed into the wall and it literally looked like he got shot with a fucking cannon when his face made contact with the wall. It gave me a boner. Not to mention, when is the last time you saw a cool ninja movie? Never? Exactly. Because there weren’t any before this one. And I don’t mean good like, “Hey, this movie has stellar acting and a superb script.” Are you fucking kidding me? I mean good like, “This movie gave me a huge erection due simply to the fact that it was probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen and it was full of fucking NINJAS!” Actually, if you can imagine the violence from the video game Prototype transformed into a ninja movie then you probably have a decent idea of what to expect.

If that sounds cool to you then I recommend watching this film.

If that doesn’t sound cool to you then you’re probably like care bears and anal beads and should KYODT*.

*Kill Yourself or Die Trying

Happy 69th, Bruce Lee!

Just know that if Bruce was still alive, he would undoubtedly still be kicking more ass that any action movie star(or person) that you’ve ever known of. The difference is Bruce Lee did it in real life when other action stars only did it for money.

There really isn’t much that I can say about how awesome Bruce Lee is that I haven’t already proven by permanently tattooing him on my right shoulder. He was literally the most awesome Chinese American in the whole world and considered the most influential martial artist of the 20th century, and a cultural icon. If you don’t agree then I will shoot you in the face with my fist rocket.

If anyone hasn’t seen a Bruce Lee movie then you should definitely watch Enter The Dragon on Blu Ray.

I’m just going to post pictures of Bruce Lee now because my vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to give him proper praise.

I know bodybuilders who can’t flex their lats like this.

 

I also recommend reading the book, The Tao of Jeet Kun Do. He wrote it while he was basically paralyzed… You know, that time that the doctors told him he would never be able to teach gung fu again? Well, he wrote a book about it since he couldn’t move around properly. Even though he wrote his book, he still decided that not walking was fucking lame so he instituted his own program to regain his strength and within a few months he was walking around again like normal and starring in the best kung fu movies of all time.

That is dedication, that is perseverance and that is why Bruce Lee is so amazing to me. No matter how many tragedies befell him(you can read about them on the sites below), he never gave up. I encourage all of you to do the same. Never doubt yourself. Doubt only brings thoughts of failure which in the end, will stop you from doing anything 100%. Some people may think I’m a cocky bastard and although I may seem that way at times, it is only because I have faith in what I am capable of.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and try not to get killed today shopping for clothes.

Bruce Lee websites:

www.brucelee.com

www.bruceleefoundation.com/

www.allbrucelee.com/

www.bruceleedivinewind.com/

Happy Thanksgiving

Sit proudly in the knowledge that you are a complete bad-ass.

I’ll explain why….. wait for it….ok, now.

First off, Thanksgiving is a day where we celebrate the harvesting of something. In this case, since we are Americans, we harvested a whole country from it’s natives, which technically makes us barbarians, which by default makes us fucking awesome.

Barbarian:

 

We also get to eat tons of food that was most likely harvested by a huge conglomerate and canned for our convenience. The reason companies can foods for us is because they don’t want us to rage on their pussy asses like the barbarians we are. Japanese people are the most gracious, offering canned food statues in the hopes that we will spare their lives.

You can also revel in the fact that you may possibly be eating this obscenely cute baby turkey for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Look, he is even wearing shoes just so that we know he wasn’t walking around in his own feces all day. What a trooper.

Bitch Slap

You know…. sometimes when you watch a movie trailer, it’s hard to imagine what was going through someone’s head when it actually got put into production. Sometimes movies are literally so corny and predictable that you just can’t fathom watching it, much less, paying for it to be made.

Fortunately for those of us who have some fucking sense, there are twenty other guys who would willingly throw away their money for our benefit. What a benefit it is! Although the script sounds ridiculous, I can’t argue with sweaty, perky, scantily clad breasts and I would hope that you can’t either. Especially when the breast’s arms are holding giant guns and creating huge explosions.

 

 

Plants Are Addicted to Methamphetamines

This plant looks completely harmless doesn’t it?

One might even go as far as to say that it is “nice”.

You’re fucking WRONG!

That plant would slit your throat in your sleep. It would steal your car, rape your wife, burn your house down, commit grand theft auto, break and enter and possibly claw it’s own skin off, just for a little taste. A taste of what, you say?

SUNLIGHT

That might sound a little far fetched until it happens to you, and if you don’t believe me then consider the following information.

Have you ever seen the way a plant looks at sunlight? Just like a fucking meth addict. Yeah, I know, crazy right?  They are always looking for some illegal* shit to put inside themselves. Seriously, if you don’t believe me then move your house plant away from the window the next time you water it. I bet you fifty bucks that mother fucker moves by itself. How is that even POSSIBLE?! It has no fucking limbs! No muscle, no brain, no ANYTHING….  Except an unquenchable thirst for photons.

Hell, back to water, try not watering your plants for a while. I bet that they will overdose on sunlight without even thinking twice about the kids that live in your house and then what?!  BAM, you’re explaining the reason for your dead inhabitant’s selfish and inhumane ways. Have you ever tried to explain hardcore drug use to a five year old and how it pertains to the loss of a loved one’s life? Yeah, you should ride that train some day, non-believer. Hell, while you’re at it, you should just show them first hand by giving them illegal drugs. I bet you will believe me then.

I know, some of you may be saying, “Oh! But, Anthony, plants create oxygen! We need oxygen to live!”. You know what? Oxygen is a byproduct of drug abuse and so are hand-jobs, if that is the case then I say we forget about oxygen and just live off of hand-jobs. There is really no comparison when it comes to satisfaction, which is what life is about anyway.  Buzz Aldrin didn’t need oxygen on the moon and Sharks don’t need oxygen in the ocean so you know what I say? Fuck oxygen. Biochemical companies have plenty of oxygen in bottles anyway. If you really think you just have to have some then buy a few canisters. It’s probably cheap, considering it’s free if you go outside. Just like bottled water, use it and then throw it out of your car window while you’re driving through a national park.

If you don’t heed my advice then I sure as hell don’t want to hear about it when you wake up dead due to some seething lilac plant’s evil ways so fuck off with that noise, bro.

 

 

*Sun is illegal if you're serving a sentence and you are confined to solitary or if you live in hell.

Yelling is Awesome

The definition of yelling is:

v., yelled, yell·ing, yells. v.intr.
To cry out loudly, as in pain, fright, surprise, or enthusiasm.

v.tr.
To utter or express with a loud cry. See synonyms at shout.

n.

1. A loud cry; a shout.
2. A rhythmic cheer uttered or chanted in unison.

[Middle English yellen, from Old English giellan, gellan.]

Now forget all of that sissy nonsense you just read about rhythm, cheering and crying, that shit is gay. You should focus on the origin of the word, Yellen, from the Old English word, gellan. Which would mean that gellan is the root of it all. The only thing that I can think of when I say gellan is Magellan. And you know what I think of when I hear Magellan? Ferdinand Magellan.

Why is Ferdinand Magellan awesome?

He was a fucking Portuguese explorer. He was born in 1480 which means that he probably had lots of diseases and body hair which by default makes him awesome. He was also basically a pirate since he spent all of his time on a ship and kicking ass.  The most epic journey he went on was to find the spice islands (You know, those Asian islands, that dip-shit Christopher Columbus couldn’t locate?). Not only is that cool because he kicked Christopher Columbus’ ass* but he also found a chain of islands full of hot naked Asians with huge boobs. That is fact.  Magellan’s expedition was also the first to circumnavigate the globe. Like that’s a big deal, right?

There was also that stupid ass dragon, Magellan. I guess he wasn’t too bad aside from looking really fucking goofy and hanging out with a bunch of retards inside a fake castle.

There are lots of other reasons yelling is awesome. Here are a few of them:

1. It gets everyone’s attention at exactly the right time **

2. It lets people know that you mean business and they had better get the hell out of your way before you bludgeon them with something that will leave a scar forever.

3. It relieves tension. High blood pressure and anxiety kill thousands of people every year just because they are too pussy to yell when it is necessary.

4. It makes babies stop crying.

5. It lets people know that you disapprove of their actions. This is perfect for use when driving around a bunch of fuck asses who don’t use signals and text while driving.

6. It lets people know that you just kicked five tons of ass.

Here are a few examples of proper execution:

A) Take a look at the recipient’s face and then take a look at the donor’s face. It’s pretty clear who is in charge in this situation.

B) This man makes ingenious use of the megaphone to let his girlfriend know that she is being a fucking retard.

C) This dominant black male is letting the smaller, more fragile, ginger know that he does not like his stupid red wife beater or his disgusting red hair.

D) This is a perfect example of  a victory yell. Almost like a war cry but not quite as deadly. Instead of saying, “I’M GOING TO CUT YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!” It says, “I JUST BEAT YOUR SHITTY WORLD RECORD BECAUSE I AM ALL THAT IS MAN AND YES, I FUCKING SMOKE POT, NOW SUCK THIS DICK, MOTHERFUCKER” It can be pretty intense. Some people might bleed from the ears. Others may cry like they have just seen a lion roaring over the vast plains of Africa to let all inhabitants know that he is the king of this shit. It really just depends.

Now go fulfill your destiny, yell at and about everything.

* He actually never physically kicked Christopher Columbus' ass. He also never found the Spice Islands
but he probably would have if he had not died. 

** It usually gets their attention at the wrong times as well.

Kick-Ass

Taking my love of reality, comics and kicking ass and combining those things into a magical marriage of what may be pure, movie awesomeness is what Mark Millar, Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn have done with this movie, Kick-Ass.

It doesn’t release until April 16th 2010 but it will be okay. I’m sure I can find something to make fun of until then.

 

Salute The Troops!

*salutes*

You guys fucking rock. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Firefox!

You’re five years old and you allow me to view pornography smoothly at all hours of the day and night! *high five*

Here are browser stats compared to posts from  2008 and 2007.

1. Firefox — 45.7%
2. Internet Explorer — 38.7%
3. Safari — 8.75%
4. Chrome — 5.2%

That means that half of the world is not stupid and understands what smooth internet browsing is. It also shows that even Mac users know that using the provided web browser on your computer is lame, which was quite a surprise for me. It was a surprise because Mac users are usually the first ones to start a verbal disagreement with ANYONE about how their OS and all programs are superior to my pc’s equipment.

Well you know what? I had a Mac and it blew shit. I have a pc and it plays Crysis smoothly, end story.

It also shows why women always ruin computers with viruses and spyware, because women always use Internet Explorer and because they look at the shittiest websites in the world that are filled with limitless advertisements that destroy you from the inside out, as a person.

So high five to all of the Firefox users, we are unstoppable.

New Saves The Day Song, “Let it all go”

I can’t wait for Daybreak. It is supposedly over 90% finished and ready to roll. YEAH, BITCH!

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